“That’s an odd looking lady” I thought to myself as I passed by her in isle 3. I had found myself in a Wal-Mart once again, and hopefully this time I will come out unscathed by the human sideshows that frequent here. Last time I was in one of these deplorable places I wound up in the background of a “People of Wal-Mart” photo while I was picking up a can of denaturized alcohol. My friends never let that pic go, and it still shows up in my mailbox from time to time. This is a place for odd folks, and almost like a new and improved version of a freak show.
Another former time I found myself here I was coming from a funeral. A sad day for sure, that warranted a six pack for the ride home. In my suit that only comes out of my closet for funerals, I stopped to buy the necessities to make the trip home more bearable. Strolling through the masses in their pajamas, an employee walks towards me and stops me with a smile and says,
“You look very nice today.”
“Thank you very much.”
I reply with a now added pep to my step, as this was a needed compliment to my shitty day. Once to the beer isle however, I drifted back to reality from my good looking cloud and realized I was walking amongst a sea of white trash. Was that really a compliment at all? I look good in a Wal-Mart, but do I look good in the real world? My day quickly returned to shit.
Now to isle 8, I am still scanning the shelves for my usual purchase of denatured alcohol. Coming out of my daydreaming state, I am sharing the isle with the odd looking woman from earlier. She has to be six foot four, with stringy white blond hair and the broadest shoulders I have ever seen on a woman. I bet she played volleyball, or basketball even in her school days. She is scanning the bottom shelves for something, looking as lost as I do at this moment.
Why do they constantly move items around in this store? I bet my Amazonian isle 8 friend would concur.
I find a worker at the end of the isle, and ask my query; “Can you tell me where the denatured alcohol is?”
“Uhh, no. I have no idea.” That’s all I get in return.
“Alright, thanks I guess.”
With that, I turn around to walk back down the isle and see my tall lady friend kneeling down to the bottom shelf in her tube top and mini skirt, exactly where the denatured alcohol is. “Aha!” I exclaim loudly, excited to get my prize and get the hell out of this retail purgatory.
At that moment, the lady turns and gives me a smile. I then notice her balls hanging below the line of her hot pink mini skirt.
At that moment I notice a flash go off in the distance.